Alive & Well

by Kyle

One of the very first struggles I faced being HIV positive was deciding who to tell and who not to. While on the one hand, I desperately needed all of the support I could get, on the other I also knew I was definitely not able to deal with the reactions of my family and many of my friends. It was a very painful dilemma.

To tell or not to tell. That is the question. Fortunately I had a good friend who I knew was HIV positive. I called him first. He offered some advice that I would like to share with you: take your time, share with people you know are safe first, build a support system to work from and then share with people you want to.

My advice is simply this: share! We all need support and that can only be gotten by sharing. There is wisdom in the old saying that we are as sick as the secrets we keep because they do begin to gnaw away at our sanity before we know it. There is also much wisdom however, in using discretion in sharing. If the information is not relevant to the situation then there is no reason to share. If you do not generally share personal information with someone then there is no reason to share your HIV status with that person. The general rule that I follow is that if my not telling is adversely affecting me—creating stress for me, distance in a relationship or tension in a situation-then I need to tell.

Initially I chose not to share with my family. While I knew my family loved me, I also knew that because they loved me telling them, even to get their support, would involve an emotional interaction I was not ready for. The most important thing for me in the beginning was unconditional support. I found this by reaching out

to others who were HIV positive. They really are not at all hard to find if you look. One friend first, then a support group and before I knew it I had a support system I could trust and count on. A support system that was safe, did not judge and did not have expectations. And I actually felt quite comfortable with myself and my HIV

status.

There soon came a day however, when I had to face the next step. My family was all together and carrying on as I assume all families do; by that I mean three conversations are going on at once, all basically unimportant things and no one is listening to anyone. Anyway, in the middle of this I suddenly heard a voice shouting inside my head, "Who the fuck cares! I'm HIV positive. I could die of AIDS and you're all carrying on about nothing!" And I knew then that it was time to share my situation with them. Because I needed to for me. Not right then and there, but soon and in a safe way. For me.

Telling someone you have a strong emotional bond with is perhaps the hardest of all sharing. Your parents or significant other have a relationship with you that is based on a high emotional investment. It is very important to keep this in mind because their initial reaction is most likely going to be based on that investment. While we may be telling them we're HIV positive, expecting unconditional love and support, they will most likely first respond through their emotions which will be expressed unguardedly.

Don't expect them to understand and accept right away. They need time to go through the same process that we went through. Shock, denial, anger, bargaining,

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depression, and acceptance are all a part of the process for them just as it was for us. Because they love us. And while we do need to be able to take care of ourselves during their process (time for the support group and friends we've established for unconditional support), we also need to be prepared and willing to be patient with those we love. Tell them you love them, offer them support, do not give in and buy into their anger, denial or depression, but calmly affirm yourself with them. Telling someone that you're HIV positive is very frightening and painful. Hearing it is every bit the same.

Here are some things to consider and be prepared for when sharing your HIV status with others:

1. Is this your decision? Are you doing this because you believe this is best for you all things considered? Is not telling affecting you adversely?'

2. What is your motive for sharing? Be comfortable that you are sharing because it is best for you and the relationship or situation. Do not share in anger, during an argument, as an excuse, for pity or any ulterior motive.

3. What is your relationship with the person you are going to share with? Is the information appropriate to the relationship? How might it affect the relationship? Will the relationship benefit in the long run?

4. What is the best climate for sharing? Choose a time and place that will be most safe and comfortable for all concerned without compromising your own needs.

5. Are you dependent in this relationship? There are practical considerations to be looked at when telling roommates, parents if you live at home, bosses, coworkers, etc. Weigh the consequences

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of telling with honesty, being practical, and not out of fear.

6. Do you have resources available to share? What information, books, groups or other resources can you offer to help the person you are sharing with understand better?

7. Are you adequately informed? Are you

prepared to answer questions that will arise about your HIV status and the disease itself?

8. Do you have support? Let your friends or support group know what you're doing and ask them to stand by to support you after you've shared. They can be your most important tool.

9. Are you willing to be patient? Remember that no matter who you tell it is very likely that they will require a little time to get used to the information that you're HIV positive.

Sharing and the support that is built through sharing is one of the most valuable tools we have to maintain our health. It is not always easy, especially in the beginning, but that is also when it is most important. Start slow, small and safe and gradually build from there. I still go through the decision making process-to tell or not to tell-all the time because it isn't always appropriate information to share. But I refuse to cheat myself of the love and support of the people who are there, do care, and want to be there for me. As my circle of support widens, the love in my life multiplies and the anger, pain and fear diminish.

If you would like support in making your own decision to tell or not to tell, drop into the Living Room anytime between 3:00 and 8:00 p.m., Monday through Friday. Our HIV support group meets every Saturday at 6:30. Hope to see you there! ▼

the DJ, dancing and food are all inside. So even if it rains, there will be plenty of country fun. The ticket price is $9.00. Since space is limited to 250 people, you are encouraged to purchase your tickets early. Tickets will be available at 54 Decision, Memoirs, Legends, Mix, and Gifts of Athena.

For more information about the Monotones, write to P.O. Box 612 Lakewood, Ohio 44107-0912 ▼

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